It's just a show

What a show!!  I work extremely hard to keep my head held high.  To put my best foot forward.  To take the high road.  Pick whatever cliche' you want.  The truth...  I am dying inside.  I feel very sad.  Very depressed.  I try, I really do to put images out of my head, moments that were so painful to me but the truth is, not a day goes by where they don't steer and effect my mood.  My disposition.  One day these thoughts can just make me so angry that I don't even recognize myself.  The next, its a sadness.  Then again a hope.  Then heartbreak and back to sadness.  I think I am officially depressed.  I don't sleep.  No motivation.  I overcompensate with giving everything I am hoping that my deeds or attentiveness will mask the real pain.  A new chapter of my life is but 2 weeks away.  A change that I did not ask for, I don't desire, I don't deserve.  I am embarassed, I am angry, I am devestated.  Why did this happen?  How did one of my biggest fears in life become my reality??  I worked so hard protecting, gathering, loving and making sure every single need or desire was met or exceeded.  Everything.  Always thought of myself last.  Always thought that I did not deserve someone so beautiful, so sweet, so perfect.  I guess in the end I was right.  I know I did not deserve this.  I know I do not deserve to be made to feel unworthy.  I know I did not deserve to have my heart shattered into millions of pieces.  I have always been very passionate.  About the way I loved, worked, played and lived.  It has been nearly 2 years and still my heart is not strong enough to care anymore.  I have a small chunk left and I am saving that for my God and my children.  There is a very short list of people that have the ability to and have inspired a hope back into me.  They know who they are because I have told them. I am sorry to everyone else. I am just going through the motions with you.  It is not intentional, I just don't have anything left to give.  It's just a show...