Davenport Essay

The last 3 years of my life have been the hardest that I have faced to date. My

feet felt as if they were stuck in concrete as the world swirled around me completely out

sorts with anything that made any rational sense to me. In 2010, my wife, after 13 years

of marriage took my world and turned it completely upside down when she decided

being married was not what she wanted anymore in life. Swiftly leaving me alone to

raise my two children, one six years old and the other eight nearly all on my own. I was

a wreck. I was heartbroken, dumbfounded and completely paralyzed. I spent the next

two years of my life re-learning everything I thought I already had well in hand. It was

shocking to me to see how quickly life can turn on a dime.

It was also during this time that my place of work started to undergo some major

changes. The partners had decided that they were ready to sell the company after

building it for nearly 12 years. When I started at the company there were 16 employees.

At the time of sale, there were 50 and now we are pushing 75 with plans to be at over

100 by the end of next year. We are now owned by a Fortune 500 company that knows

little about me other than my employee identification number. It did not take to long for

me to realize the need to start separating myself from the tremendous talent that I have

been lucky enough to work with over the last 10 years. That is when I decided to take

the leap and go back to school.

Davenport University has been a perfect fit for me. Being a single father, the

online classes offered me the flexibility to work all day, be the best dad I know how to be

at night and then when it is my time, work on developing and improving me. At a time

when I desperately needed to regain confidence and focus my energy on positive goals,

Davenport was there. I must admit, I was a bit concerned when I first looked into this

new adventure. Since then though, all doubt has been erased. I am thrilled with the

quality of the instruction I have received. All of the students that I have encountered to

date are of strong character and abilities. One of the most pleasant surprises has been

the instructors. All seem to have a passion for what they are doing and a genuine desire

to help bring out the best that I have to offer. No small feat considering I have never

personally met any of them.

Somehow saying thank you just does not seem to cover my appreciation. The

opportunity to further my career while not missing out on the precious moments of my

kids youth have been invaluable. It has allowed me to be a coach, “that parent”

screaming and cheering at dance recitals, to enjoy dinner at the dinner table with the

family, to read bedtime stories and say prayers, to hold a full time job and probably most

important, to help me get back the confidence and self-worth that I loss during the

biggest challenge of my life. Never will you know how much the opportunity means to

me. I know it is not much, but thank you.

LOVE

Have you ever been in Love? How do you know if it is real or not? I thought I knew what Love was once but I was wrong. God has defined as follow in Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I consider the Bible to be the ABSOLUTE TRUTH. So, by that statement, I was not Loved as I thought I was. Never was. I guess for that matter, what I thought was Love I was giving was not Love at all. It was not until after my heart was destroyed by my ex-wife that I even came to Jesus and ask him to come into my heart. Does that give me a pass from the rule above. I don't think so. In fact I know it doesn't. What about her? Does it make her more guilty because she DID know Jesus? Again, I have to say No.So now what? My marriage is over and I am supposed to put on a good show for my kids. Right, well, acting was never my strong suit. My heart does break for my ex-wife. Every day. But there is nothing I can do about that now except keep praying.

I guess my question is, what do I do with me now? I do want to Love. I believe I was built for it, we all are. I am different now and I know despite everything, I could Love my ex-wife if she would let me. But she won't. She does not even see me, never really has, let alone to care to know me.There is another person out there that I think I could Love but there is something in me that is resisting. That is extremely frustrating for me because I want to Love her. She makes me feel like I am worth something and might be capable of being Loved. A worthiness my ex-wife took from me when she upgraded.So what now does that mean for me? I want to Love my ex-wife if even as friends. But all I feel is hurt and betrayal when she is around. Her lack of any emotion other then her toot her own horn self Love and her belief that her career defines her only makes me feel worthless and used. The type of person I want to Love, but my heart is resisting shares my passion for her kids, is selfless, seems to like me for me, who I am and not for something I do for a living but just how I am.

My interpretation of the Bible is one wife, one marriage. I believed that even before I accepted Jesus. Now I don't know anymore. I do know that I am only capable of Loving one person the way the Bible describes how a man should Love. I guess I am going to keep doing what I am doing and continue to pray the God opens up my heart so I can Love the way someone deserves to be Loved. Please pray for me that God's Will lets it happen soon. Thank you.

Someday

One of the best things to ever happen to me occurred on this date in 1998. 12 years later, one of the worst things to ever happen to me occurred close to midnight on the same date breaking my heart into a million pieces. A hate crime that dealt a lethal blow to my ability to trust. In God's time I will be healed and whole again.  Someday.

DESTROYED

Never has anyone made me feel so little and worthless in all my life.  Sadly, I know what I have to do....  I cannot let you hurt me anymore..... I am empty and have nothing left.....  You Win....  I will always Love you and continue to pray for you.  ~The best friend you ever had

I am convinced that there are people in this world that Love more than others. There are people in this world that care more than others. There are people in this world that feel more than others. There are people in this world that hurt more than others. There are people in this world that expect more of themselves than others. There are people in this world that are more sensitive than others. Sadly, all too many people are in my opinion are satisfied with just one of these traits. Why??? Big surprise, I have an opinion on that. I have had the pleasure to meet or have met just a very small handful of people in my life that posses every single one of these traits. Admittedly, some I do not know well, but from what I have observed and experienced with them in the little time that I have known them they absolutely are genuine. Back to the question of why… Well, I think the average person is selfish. I think the average person is complacent in there morals. And the biggest reason, I think the average person all too many times take the easy path. I say this because I have lots of experience of being an average person. Still am. The reason I am writing this, is to let the people of this world know that posses all of the traits noted that the average people of this world (me included) admire and respect them. I am writing this because these people I am absolutely certain have no idea that they are admired as much as they are. It is not in their nature to have the slightest clue of how great they are. In fact many of them seem to struggle far more than others. So, to the RCM’s, the AJ’s, the AM’s, the KC’s, the JAW’s, the HRS’s, the EAJ’s and the MO’s of this world, I am writing this to let you know the world admires and respects you. Thank you for being an incredible inspiration. Without all of you, this world would be a darker place. Thank you.

Sincerely- The average people of this world.

I want you back

I miss the person I could say anything too. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the blessings that I felt when you were around. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your smell. I miss your taste. I miss your touch. I miss the way you Loved me. I miss our walks. I miss our talks. I miss your innocence. I miss your zeal for God. I miss your blog. I miss holding you. I miss listening to you breathe. I miss your voice. I miss watching you sleep. I miss hearing you sing. I miss your messes. I miss your hugs. I miss your kisses. I miss your honesty. I miss your cooking. I miss you more than I could ever show. I want you back....

A Crossroads

I think I have hit a crossroads in my life. One that I must choose to go right or left. I know for certain I cannot maintain the current path. So, forward, not an option. Back, impossible. So which way do I go? I am sad a lot. There are amazing people that bring me joy in my life. And there are others that bring nothing but hurt. Seems like an easy descision right? The problem is the one's that bring me pain have in the past been the source of so much joy for me. To turn away from them now means giving up on the hope that they truly are not this being that they are portraying but the person that I once knew that cared so deeply. On the other hand, to turn away from the people that bring me joy is turning my back on what could be a new chapter, a new beginning. An opportunity to trust again. Layer in my children and I am sunk. I am not built for this. I don't want to turn my back on anyone. But doing nothing turns my back on both. This world can be so cruel. Let go, Let God...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

When will enough ever be enough?? I mean really, how much can one person give? I love to help people out. If you need anything, call Tod. You can count on him. I am always willing to help. But somehow, someway, my helping seems to cross lines. I cant help this person without pissing this other person off. All of a sudden my loyalties are questioned. "I have known you longer" or "I am family" or "how dare you help them"? I do these things and expect absolutely nothing in return. Give up full days, hand over countless dollars, go above and beyond all expectations and truly expect nothing in return. But here I am, stuck in the middle of loyalties and hurt feelings and God knows what else. Why? Oh forget it, it is just my rant for tonight. I am sure I did wrong and will be forgiven eventually. Like the old saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. Guess I better watch out in the future where I lend a hand. Sucks!

Another One of Those Days

It's one of those days, I can tell from the start
From the moment I woke up, and the heaviness of my heart
Not close to healing, my wounds are deep and filled with salt
I know I must let her go, and realize it is not my fault
But until then, it will take all the might that can be found
To rise up, and push myself off this cold, cold ground
I appreciate the reassurances, the prayers and positave thoughts that are sent my way
But until I find self-worth and confidence in myself, this depression is here to stay....

It's just a show

What a show!!  I work extremely hard to keep my head held high.  To put my best foot forward.  To take the high road.  Pick whatever cliche' you want.  The truth...  I am dying inside.  I feel very sad.  Very depressed.  I try, I really do to put images out of my head, moments that were so painful to me but the truth is, not a day goes by where they don't steer and effect my mood.  My disposition.  One day these thoughts can just make me so angry that I don't even recognize myself.  The next, its a sadness.  Then again a hope.  Then heartbreak and back to sadness.  I think I am officially depressed.  I don't sleep.  No motivation.  I overcompensate with giving everything I am hoping that my deeds or attentiveness will mask the real pain.  A new chapter of my life is but 2 weeks away.  A change that I did not ask for, I don't desire, I don't deserve.  I am embarassed, I am angry, I am devestated.  Why did this happen?  How did one of my biggest fears in life become my reality??  I worked so hard protecting, gathering, loving and making sure every single need or desire was met or exceeded.  Everything.  Always thought of myself last.  Always thought that I did not deserve someone so beautiful, so sweet, so perfect.  I guess in the end I was right.  I know I did not deserve this.  I know I do not deserve to be made to feel unworthy.  I know I did not deserve to have my heart shattered into millions of pieces.  I have always been very passionate.  About the way I loved, worked, played and lived.  It has been nearly 2 years and still my heart is not strong enough to care anymore.  I have a small chunk left and I am saving that for my God and my children.  There is a very short list of people that have the ability to and have inspired a hope back into me.  They know who they are because I have told them. I am sorry to everyone else. I am just going through the motions with you.  It is not intentional, I just don't have anything left to give.  It's just a show...