SUCKS

So entirely tired of being sad. Sucks to feel so much for someone that you shared so much of your life with and now has moved on to create different life with someone else. Another house. Another kid. Another mortgage. Another car payment. New guy. I already know how I sound. Pathetic. Sorry people. If your looking for inspiration, check out progression obsession with KC. She is an inspiration. I suck. For the record, KC is not my person.

All I can do is keep being me. Maybe it will be enough for her someday.

Waste of Time

Where do you spend most of your time, the past, present or future? I find myself struggling to live in the present and as a result spend most of my time in the past, a tiny bit in the future and even less in the present. Why? There is much about my recent past that I would like to forget yet my mind will not let me. So many hours wasted on trying to understand what was real, fake, what could have been and the never will be. It is silly really because no matter how much I will it, there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change it now. The past is the past. Consciously I know this to be true. I also know that my past has a lot of painful memories. Maybe that is why I am so fixated on it. Not that I enjoy reliving the pain but rather I am trying to remember the good. The fact that the pain overshadows the good from the past only drives me to try and remember the good all the more. Possibly because I hope that I can somehow neutralize the pain by remembering the good. That is just insane since it is the past and there is nothing I can do about it.

The future…. Even worse than the past, the future does not even exist yet. Why would I even want to consider wasting anytime there? My reality is that I have been 100% wrong on all that I imagined the future to be. The harder I tried to convince myself I knew what was to come the more I was wrong. I cannot even be 100% certain God will wake me in the morning let alone predict any outcomes of future events. Saying something will happen, especially when it involves another person is crazy. The reality is we cannot control anybody or anything. Why would I even waste my time wondering or let alone waiting for an outcome that is beyond my control? Yet I do it every day.

The present is truly the only thing I have a chance to control. Do I go right or left, wear a coat, not wear a coat, choose to be positive or live in the negativity of the past? It is maddening and mind boggling. Maybe I am not making any sense what so ever. I do not know anymore…..

Where does that leave Hope? How can I hope for better in the future when it is not really anything I can do except wait until the future becomes the present? I am a rather calculating personality. I mean what else can you expect from an Engineer’s mind? Things don’t turn out the way I expected I analyze and analyze until I get an understanding why. That feels like a curse. Especially when the why is linked to someone that hurt you, broke your heart or exploited your trust. Sadly it leaves me feeling unworthy and certain that there is something wrong with me to have had my heart handled so carelessly. How can they not see what they have done? I have found myself building walls to protect me. But truth be told, it does nothing but bring more hurt. Countless people have told me that I am better than how that person made me feel. Unfortunately though that brings no comfort to me because the same people can’t tell me a reason why I was not worth the person’s affection.

This is exhausting. I am going to bed now hope to dream of a better future than the past. But now we all know that is just a waste of time too.

Davenport Essay

The last 3 years of my life have been the hardest that I have faced to date. My

feet felt as if they were stuck in concrete as the world swirled around me completely out

sorts with anything that made any rational sense to me. In 2010, my wife, after 13 years

of marriage took my world and turned it completely upside down when she decided

being married was not what she wanted anymore in life. Swiftly leaving me alone to

raise my two children, one six years old and the other eight nearly all on my own. I was

a wreck. I was heartbroken, dumbfounded and completely paralyzed. I spent the next

two years of my life re-learning everything I thought I already had well in hand. It was

shocking to me to see how quickly life can turn on a dime.

It was also during this time that my place of work started to undergo some major

changes. The partners had decided that they were ready to sell the company after

building it for nearly 12 years. When I started at the company there were 16 employees.

At the time of sale, there were 50 and now we are pushing 75 with plans to be at over

100 by the end of next year. We are now owned by a Fortune 500 company that knows

little about me other than my employee identification number. It did not take to long for

me to realize the need to start separating myself from the tremendous talent that I have

been lucky enough to work with over the last 10 years. That is when I decided to take

the leap and go back to school.

Davenport University has been a perfect fit for me. Being a single father, the

online classes offered me the flexibility to work all day, be the best dad I know how to be

at night and then when it is my time, work on developing and improving me. At a time

when I desperately needed to regain confidence and focus my energy on positive goals,

Davenport was there. I must admit, I was a bit concerned when I first looked into this

new adventure. Since then though, all doubt has been erased. I am thrilled with the

quality of the instruction I have received. All of the students that I have encountered to

date are of strong character and abilities. One of the most pleasant surprises has been

the instructors. All seem to have a passion for what they are doing and a genuine desire

to help bring out the best that I have to offer. No small feat considering I have never

personally met any of them.

Somehow saying thank you just does not seem to cover my appreciation. The

opportunity to further my career while not missing out on the precious moments of my

kids youth have been invaluable. It has allowed me to be a coach, “that parent”

screaming and cheering at dance recitals, to enjoy dinner at the dinner table with the

family, to read bedtime stories and say prayers, to hold a full time job and probably most

important, to help me get back the confidence and self-worth that I loss during the

biggest challenge of my life. Never will you know how much the opportunity means to

me. I know it is not much, but thank you.

LOVE

Have you ever been in Love? How do you know if it is real or not? I thought I knew what Love was once but I was wrong. God has defined as follow in Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I consider the Bible to be the ABSOLUTE TRUTH. So, by that statement, I was not Loved as I thought I was. Never was. I guess for that matter, what I thought was Love I was giving was not Love at all. It was not until after my heart was destroyed by my ex-wife that I even came to Jesus and ask him to come into my heart. Does that give me a pass from the rule above. I don't think so. In fact I know it doesn't. What about her? Does it make her more guilty because she DID know Jesus? Again, I have to say No.So now what? My marriage is over and I am supposed to put on a good show for my kids. Right, well, acting was never my strong suit. My heart does break for my ex-wife. Every day. But there is nothing I can do about that now except keep praying.

I guess my question is, what do I do with me now? I do want to Love. I believe I was built for it, we all are. I am different now and I know despite everything, I could Love my ex-wife if she would let me. But she won't. She does not even see me, never really has, let alone to care to know me.There is another person out there that I think I could Love but there is something in me that is resisting. That is extremely frustrating for me because I want to Love her. She makes me feel like I am worth something and might be capable of being Loved. A worthiness my ex-wife took from me when she upgraded.So what now does that mean for me? I want to Love my ex-wife if even as friends. But all I feel is hurt and betrayal when she is around. Her lack of any emotion other then her toot her own horn self Love and her belief that her career defines her only makes me feel worthless and used. The type of person I want to Love, but my heart is resisting shares my passion for her kids, is selfless, seems to like me for me, who I am and not for something I do for a living but just how I am.

My interpretation of the Bible is one wife, one marriage. I believed that even before I accepted Jesus. Now I don't know anymore. I do know that I am only capable of Loving one person the way the Bible describes how a man should Love. I guess I am going to keep doing what I am doing and continue to pray the God opens up my heart so I can Love the way someone deserves to be Loved. Please pray for me that God's Will lets it happen soon. Thank you.

Someday

One of the best things to ever happen to me occurred on this date in 1998. 12 years later, one of the worst things to ever happen to me occurred close to midnight on the same date breaking my heart into a million pieces. A hate crime that dealt a lethal blow to my ability to trust. In God's time I will be healed and whole again.  Someday.

DESTROYED

Never has anyone made me feel so little and worthless in all my life.  Sadly, I know what I have to do....  I cannot let you hurt me anymore..... I am empty and have nothing left.....  You Win....  I will always Love you and continue to pray for you.  ~The best friend you ever had

I am convinced that there are people in this world that Love more than others. There are people in this world that care more than others. There are people in this world that feel more than others. There are people in this world that hurt more than others. There are people in this world that expect more of themselves than others. There are people in this world that are more sensitive than others. Sadly, all too many people are in my opinion are satisfied with just one of these traits. Why??? Big surprise, I have an opinion on that. I have had the pleasure to meet or have met just a very small handful of people in my life that posses every single one of these traits. Admittedly, some I do not know well, but from what I have observed and experienced with them in the little time that I have known them they absolutely are genuine. Back to the question of why… Well, I think the average person is selfish. I think the average person is complacent in there morals. And the biggest reason, I think the average person all too many times take the easy path. I say this because I have lots of experience of being an average person. Still am. The reason I am writing this, is to let the people of this world know that posses all of the traits noted that the average people of this world (me included) admire and respect them. I am writing this because these people I am absolutely certain have no idea that they are admired as much as they are. It is not in their nature to have the slightest clue of how great they are. In fact many of them seem to struggle far more than others. So, to the RCM’s, the AJ’s, the AM’s, the KC’s, the JAW’s, the HRS’s, the EAJ’s and the MO’s of this world, I am writing this to let you know the world admires and respects you. Thank you for being an incredible inspiration. Without all of you, this world would be a darker place. Thank you.

Sincerely- The average people of this world.