New Years Eve 2011.... Isn't funny how a simple date on a calendar can force you to evaluate your life. Resolutions, I promise to this more, that less... Why?? I think that it is a pretty easy answer. We are not perfect and we never will be either. Personally, I have made some huge gains this year. Forged deeper relationships with family and friends. Met new friends. Recommitted myself to be the father and role model that my kids can be proud of. Stood up for people when nobody else would. Given to people that otherwise would have had nothing. Took extra time to say "Thank you" and "it was nice to meet you." Broken down insecurities that have plagued me my whole life. Even more firmly committed myself to my God, my Savior, Jesus Christ. Sounds like a pretty great year, right? Wrong. Nearly all has been overshadowed by one epic failure. People that know me will not agree, but it has not changed my mind in the least. I let down the best friend of my life. Should it matter that they too have let me down? No! Absolutely no excuse. The Lord says "turn the other cheek". Well, let me tell you that this is one of the hardest things to do in the Bible in my opinion. Why is it so easy to turn the cheek to a stranger but so difficult with a best friend? It just SUCKS for lack of a better term. Should be easier, but it definately is not. God would not have put it in his great book if it was. What about my friend? Has she turned her cheek? I cannot answer that. I can only comment on what I have seen and even that is subject to my own perpesctive which absolutely does not make me right. In fact, it probably makes me even more wrong because in many ways it can be easily perceived as judging of which I certainly have no authority. Maybe I will just stick to me and my role in the failure. You see, I want my friend back. I have used guilt, anger, conditional forgiveness, arguments of how much easier life would be with my help and even tried making her jealous in the sense that I was doing fine without her (I am doing fine, just not in how I was trying to portray it). You see the pattern? Me trying to control or influence our outcome. An outcome and will that only God himself can influence and effect. Throughout this past year, I have not only let down my friend but I failed to just trust God. I admit that I have not forgiven my friend for what has happened. But that is not her problem, it is mine. There is nothing she can do, forgiveness is up to me. I know she deserves it, I just do not know how or possibly am not ready to give it. So much has changed that things will never be the same between us. Can't be. We are two totally different people now. I would not want what we had anyways. Maybe what everyone thought we had, but definately not what we had. Maybe God broke us down to build us back up stronger. Maybe there are different futures almost completely independent from either of us. Who knows what God has in mind. My resolution os to let him work his will with me. To trust him and in all ways listen for his word and look for his works. As far as my friend goes, I am sad for my part in the fact that I have nearly completely lost touch with her. I have heard some good things that have happened in her life that I am am happy for her. Major goals accomplished by her and it makes me proud for her. She is doing it in the face of little support from many. Myself being the primary offender. She is a good person and I am still her #1 fan whether she believes or likes it or not. I want her to know that I miss my friend very much. I pray that she has a good new year. And if it is God's will, I do look forward to getting to know her again. In the mean time, Happy New Year friend. I wish you continued success.
Still your #1 Fan, tms '11
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