Where do you spend most of your time, the past, present or
future? I find myself struggling to live in the present and as a result spend
most of my time in the past, a tiny bit in the future and even less in the
present. Why? There is much about my recent past that I would like to forget
yet my mind will not let me. So many hours wasted on trying to understand what
was real, fake, what could have been and the never will be. It is silly really because
no matter how much I will it, there is absolutely nothing that I can do to
change it now. The past is the past. Consciously I know this to be true. I also
know that my past has a lot of painful memories. Maybe that is why I am so
fixated on it. Not that I enjoy reliving the pain but rather I am trying to
remember the good. The fact that the pain overshadows the good from the past
only drives me to try and remember the good all the more. Possibly because I
hope that I can somehow neutralize the pain by remembering the good. That is just
insane since it is the past and there is nothing I can do about it.
The future…. Even worse than the past, the future does not
even exist yet. Why would I even want to consider wasting anytime there? My
reality is that I have been 100% wrong on all that I imagined the future to be.
The harder I tried to convince myself I knew what was to come the more I was
wrong. I cannot even be 100% certain God will wake me in the morning let alone
predict any outcomes of future events. Saying something will happen, especially
when it involves another person is crazy. The reality is we cannot control anybody
or anything. Why would I even waste my time wondering or let alone waiting for
an outcome that is beyond my control? Yet I do it every day.
The present is truly the only thing I have a chance to
control. Do I go right or left, wear a coat, not wear a coat, choose to be positive
or live in the negativity of the past? It is maddening and mind boggling. Maybe
I am not making any sense what so ever. I do not know anymore…..
Where does that leave Hope? How can I hope for better in the
future when it is not really anything I can do except wait until the future becomes
the present? I am a rather calculating personality. I mean what else can you
expect from an Engineer’s mind? Things don’t turn out the way I expected I
analyze and analyze until I get an understanding why. That feels like a curse.
Especially when the why is linked to someone that hurt you, broke your heart or
exploited your trust. Sadly it leaves me feeling unworthy and certain that
there is something wrong with me to have had my heart handled so carelessly.
How can they not see what they have done? I have found myself building walls to
protect me. But truth be told, it does nothing but bring more hurt. Countless
people have told me that I am better than how that person made me feel.
Unfortunately though that brings no comfort to me because the same people can’t
tell me a reason why I was not worth the person’s affection.
This is exhausting. I am going to bed now hope to dream of a
better future than the past. But now we all know that is just a waste of time
too.
